How To Run Away From Negativity…..

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The trick is not to first get up and run away from the negative places and or things in your life but to learn to sit and grow in some of it until it doesn’t affect one anymore. The trick to running away is based on proper timing. Timing for safety and timing for knowledge. One has to be balanced in and around Negativity inorder to gain the best overall angles and teachings from life as a whole.

People that know me on a personal level would tell you that Abby loves to run away from the world, by going into nature and so forth but apon my return…. then so too was the return of the affects that the outsides had on my insides. The reasons for this was because the only things I have worked on, upon my absence was on myself and not that of others.

When you run….. upon your return, then so too will the negativity be returned. You cannot properly work on another if you are not in their presence.

Make sure you do not stay in situations that are too damaging to the soul. For instance: Physical and emotional abuse. Some abuse it is also important to not run but to sit in it. It is up to us to evaluate the weight of the circumstances. If we run away from everything we would not know how to deal with anything in the world or anyone else including ourselves.

The longer we sit through the bad times…. at the end of it the much more wisdom and strength we will take away from these experiences. The more experiences thrown our way that we overcome, the stronger and more adaptable one will be in life. If no one kills us or we do not kill ourselves or we do not become mentally sick…. throughout all of these hardships, we can come out of life healed from everything bad that we have experienced during our lifetime.

During my life I have been raped on several occasions from age 5 & up. From being ordered by my abuser to sit with my thumbs sticking up for hours while I had to sit with my back completely straight and not talk or move. By the way sitting with your back straight can become very painful after a long period. Anyways…… I was told if any adult asked why I no longer speak to still not speak. I felt like I didnt speak for a year but only at school and church. I really do not know how long this period was but for a child I can say that it felt like a year. I am sure that my behavior back then made people think that maybe I was becoming mentally ill like my mom so they probably didn’t think much of it. I just don’t get how someone could not speak for so long, just sitting there and yet the World kept spinning without asking more questions.

I was even told to neel down on a grater. I hated kneeling on graters. The pain is excruciating. My trick was not to put all of my body weight on my knees so that I don’t have to feel the pain as much. If I had spoken or said anything the consequences was worst resulting in a beating. Not to forget while I was doing all of this the adults was just walking by looking at me and asking what is wrong. To me the mistake that they made is that when I said nothing they should have digged deeper. Growing up no-one really knew what was happening to me because I choose to keep it a secret from the other adults. Why? Well I was told not to say anything but it was more than that …. It was because it was no way the adults can believe the lies they were told and let a child suffer. If me being a child couldnt and didn’t accept the lies, then an adult should have also seen the holes that was visible to me as a child.

I knew they wanted me to suffer because they tried to block all communications with my mother. They would stand by the phone when my mom or sister called never leaving until I hung up the phone. They even stayed during my mother’s and brother’s physical meetings since my sister was living in a different county {America} at the time. The lies they believed from another, I couldn’t rap it around my head how no-one knew it was me telling the truth and not that of another telling the truth.

The things I spoke up on they took another’s words over my words so this is when I have adapted to lying to protect myself from beatings. I believed that it was something else that I didn’t know of and that I needed to keep my mouth shut for my safety since I did not know if I could have trusted the adults being that they didn’t give me any alone time with my own mother. It was basically me against the world. I don’t care how young I was, something seemed odd to me so I found an escape through me by being a little devil or should I say a Big Devil.

I grew up with people that were not my immediate family. Every time my mom and sister called, I would always wish I had some alone time where no-one was standing over the phone so that I could tell them what was going on. And when my sister did came to visit and take me away, I didn’t tell her Because by then my behavior was so out of control everyone kept thinking that I was the problem. Which I was but I mean mhhhmmm. The principal to my school knew the people that took me in on a personal level also. So to me school was not an escape because it was still risky.

Even the church knew them on a personal level but I didn’t want to tell the pastor because to me it was my only happy place. I would sneak out from church and go to the store to buy snacks from the same money I stole. I would then go and eat it downstairs in the church. Let me tell you how risky this was. The church is one house away from the house I stayed at. The store is across the street, two houses to the right past the house I was staying at. They were always outside doing work, so I would have to sneak past them and back on the opposite side of the street without being caught. I succssed everytime!

I was one rich kid. I used to take the money they gave me for lessons, and go spend it on me and my friends. I would go out with them to the mall, out in the fields picking sugar cane. From catching tadpoles and eating fresh fruits. I would then go back to their house and eat what their mother cooked. I then typically will make my way back to where I was staying but before I get there I would stop at like 10 stores. I would go to the market, to the grocery, to the vendors etc. I would buy the rockets and bombs fireworks. I would but candy to cloths ,to jewelry, art and everything nice. By the time I got home they will then ask what did you learn from lessons? I would have a whole lie and then go about my chose.

Did I mention the lessons teacher was not only strick and my teacher at the time but she also personal knew the people I was staying with in the second house also. Small towns, everyone knows everyone. OH! And I almost blow the car up. I built a mini sparkle bomb and set it on fire. Sparks of fire was flying everywhere, I didn’t expect it to start flying on the car or that far. The adults ask what was that noise and I just said I don’t know and then ran to the street with them looking to see what it was acting stupid. I have so many stories about fireworks that I’m getting off course.

I would even keep the money that I was supposed to pay the bus driver for myself. He would ask where is the money and I would just have another lie. I surprisingly got really far for being so young. I did this all the way up until my teens. I only grew worst trying to demand a spot amounts others. I would leave for school and end up not reaching in until 11- 12 maybe longer I can’t remember, in the night.

There was a time when I would speak and no-one would stop to listen don’t matter how loud I spoke. It’s as if they were deff. I became so shy because of this, until one day someone stopped mid way while everyone was speaking to hear what I was saying. Every since, the attention has never left. How I got through my shyness and facing the world is a different day. Anyways I took my power overboard in many areas but to me, I was trying to escape. Everyone was willing to do as I say… I mean what else can a kid want from life.

Crazy enough when I was older and living in the new house… I ran away during carnival. I had went with my aunt but she made me upset by saying shes going with her boyfriend so go with a cert person. I wanted to go with her and not that person so I just left and did my own thing. I was found by one of the ladies I grew up with in the old house. She is a cop so apon her finding me, she sent me home with her brother instead of taking me to the police station. The reason I ran away is a longer story than this so I’ll skip it. He was in his 30’s and I was 14 year’s old. He took me somewhere else. It was a hotel in my country T & T.

He said he was staying there and needed to get some things that he forget. He tried having sex with me and I said no. He forced his way inside of me as I fought him off and ran. Thankfully I have also built myself up with physical strength. Enough to push a grown man off of me. Yes! I saw myself as being a strong woman one day so I used to go around lifting heavy things to build my strength up.

Anyways, after I ran… I didn’t go home. I said fuck it… what else do I have to lose. I then got so drunk and went back to parting. I was already drunk, imagine drinking liquor that’s 99.9% alcohol for 3 days straight at 14 year’s old… yes I went for the strongest at the youngest, my mind was so far gone. Through it all my mind was so sharp that I still had control over my drunken body.

I was on a big truck with music and really big speakers dancing in the middle of the streets with thousands of people when I got caught and so to did I go back after I was rapped. Well actually I was the one dancing on the truck and I had Alot of people parting dancing, following me on the streets while tripping being the big truck. Everyone trying to Dance with me. I do know how to turn up and hype up any party I must say…. Anyways everyone half naked, grinding on eachother from all over the world for a few days straight. The guy that raped me was the father on the person that raped me as a child.

When I got caught again, I then told the cops what the father had done. He then had people riding around the house trying to kidnap and kill me. I told them what the son had done when I was little but they brushed it off, only focusing on the new recent mishap. The father wanted me dead. I know this because he did say to me that if I was to tell anyone what he did he would come find me and kill me. The new house that I was living at, there was also a cop living there too. Both him and his wife told me that someone keeps circling the boulevard all day, for several days in an unmarked vehicle. Many people were scared for me in these situations not knowing if I would be able to come out of these circumstances healed and alive.

Thankfully the cop at that house went to all my court causes so as to not have me go through so much. I was also sick at the house unable to move because they gave me some big horses pills to stop HIV in case he was HIV positive. Those pills made me so sick that I was unable to eat or move all of those days.

When I was in a new county 4-5 years later, I received a phone call asking to come back to my country and testify to put him in jail. It was supposed to be the last and final trial. I decided to stay in America and not go back to my country to face him because I knew that what he deserves would be dished out to him directly from life so I do not have to do anything else.

The new house that I was staying at, took great care of me like the old house did. It’s sad to say but I was treated with care in both, it was just some unspeakable things that happened in the first house but it shouldn’t take away from me being properly fed and clothed. The lady that took care of me didn’t have kids at that time so to me I was and am her child. Might not be by life but I was her daughter thought life. Non of them had ever once said the words we love you but somehow I knew I was loved. My aunt lived downstairs so she wasn’t upstairs all the time. Only at certain times, to cook and clean etc. I haven’t spoken to anyone of them since I left at 13. Well I was kicked out of the house for lying and stealing. They said they couldn’t deal with me anymore but I only did those things because…. Never mind!

Anyways this is just a small bit but People have tried to change my outside world to protect me from falling mentally ill like my mother. People have tried to change me to protect me from me. My own family had even pushed me away to protect themselves from having a mentally ill person on their hands. Saying that I was going to end up crazy/ mentally ill like my mother simply because I look like her, I was around 4-5 year old at this time. Also my mother was becoming Ill during my birth or after. My mother had a rough life and ended up mentally ill in her late stages of life. I don’t think anybody in life had faith in my mind yet alone in me. No-one wanted the responsibility of Abby.

I have turned down many people trying to help me. Every therapist sessions, I went to every councilor pushed my way but yet I have never spoken of what happened. They basically just did art with me since that’s the only thing that I was willing to do.

I have built myself so adaptable to the pains of life. I can forget about the most horrific situations and when thinking about it… it is only to help another or because of another. I knew from my soul at a young age that certain things that happens are not supposed to be taken apon the soul because it can be lost or damage beyond ones own repair. I have spent so much time inside of me that I now have a gift from life. A gift that can make all illusions for pray making reality seen by all.

Everything bad that I have went through I always try to think positive by saying I have to make it my duty to gain wisdom from this so that I can share it and help others to minimize their sufferings. Don’t get me wrong, during these hard times I am not so strong. This is when my evil side comes out the most. I tend to destroy everything that is in my path. I would steal what’s taken from me or what I do not have. I would find things that brings me joy don’t matter if the cost was evil. From doing things of a evil nature to protecting and bringing the things to me that I was lacking. Creating happiness for myself at any cost so as to keep dealing with the hardships of life. I have sat and evaluated the things that I would like to keep as apart of myself and the things that I wanted to remove from myself.

Grown up everyone would say that I don’t like to follow rules and that I don’t like to listen. Normally called a monkey or a thief….. Oh and the most famous a lier. I started lying to protect myself to the point that it became me. No one trusted a thing I said. They used to say that a lier is worst than a thief. For God sake…. I used to steal from the church’s offering as a kid just to buy snacks and games and mini radios to hide in my pocket as a kid. At bedtime I would hide and listen to the radio and listen to what was happening in the world…. TV … music, anything that could have taken me away from that place.

I do think the pastor knew what I was doing and would intentionally leave me in the room alone. After I had taken what I wanted then he would come back in the room with his crew and count the money. I am no fool, I now know what this man was doing and I think he helped me to do it because he knew that my happiness was more important than the sin of stealing itself. He knew my circumstances and I feel it’s because of this he allowed me to do the most unspeakable act. Of all the kids in the church, I was the only one always left in the room alone. I feel deep down inside that he knew what I was doing. Maybe he counted the money first after I have stolen it and realized that money was missing so from then on they just waited until I took whatever to count the money.

I was so broken, I used to bite and hurt myself so badly. I used to beat and bang myself in the head or on walls. I used to hit myself throughout my entire body as hard as I could have expecially in my head. This is who I have taken my pain out on…. myself. I have taken my pain out on Abigail and she did not deserve this but when I used to hide and listen to the radio/ tv at bed time, I would think about who I saw myself as an adult and coming up with ways to be that person. My goal was to find ways to help take out the evil so we would not have to suffer. I want to love everyone when no-one else would love them.

Yes I feel great pains in life but in the end I do not let the pain overcome my Mind because it is my mind that will take me out of these pains.

Through this all it is also important that if your soul becomes to heavy, to distance it away from the negativity but remember you will have to go rite back. Spending time fixing the triggers of the world in it, is just as important as fixing your triggers away from it.

So the short answer to the question is that you can run away from negativity by doing the things that brings out the best in you. This includes going around people that can make you smile. Going to a place that puts you at peace. Buying something that you have always wanted but never got around to etc. Basically taking you soul to a place that makes you happy over a place that makes you feel sad. If doing these things brings out your evil side… Like I always say, if you are doing evil, be great at it and if you are doing good, be great at that also. This is what I have always told myself throughout my life….. Whatever you are doing at least be the best at doing it. Just remembered to not lose your soul and your true authentic self so when you’re ready to find your way back to yourself it would be easy for you to do so.

Well that’s it for now my fellow beings. Remember, we are all equally as special as the other.

It is our job to make the world know that we are as special as it is. Keep your head up and remember that all bad things will come to an end…. so to do all good things…. So enjoy the good moments of life and make sure no-one has the effect on taking it away from you before divine timing.

-Abigail

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-Abigail

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