I’m remembering the many times, where I used to try and take my life. The many times I patiently waited for everyone to leave the kitchen so that I can grab a knife without being seen. 6..7…8 years old until early adulthood.
There were so many times where I grabbed that knife and put it to my chest while slowly pushing it into my skin. I do not know if I was just being a Chicken or if I knew that if I no longer exists then my promise to the World would be broken.
For some reason someone would always walk in when I gained enough strength to keep pushing the knife further……. I even got more creative as the years passed by.
One day as I was hanging the washed Laundry on the lines outside, I saw in it a perfect opportunity to be taken. I held my Neck using the clothesline. I failed because it wasn’t enough space under the garage but a line of skin around my Neck was gone. It left the area white as Snow.
No-one had ever suspected what I was up to. I felt like I couldn’t take what the World was dishing out to me.
I remembered one day probably in my late teens, I was on a mission. A mission to take myself out that is. I went to a Local bridge to Jump off. Upon my arrival there were several Cops on boats looking for something in the water….. I waited and waited for what seemed like hours. I sat on a Wooden Bench an marveled at the beautiful water.
***Just a side note…… if I ever get out of hand or life becomes to overwhelming for me, please take me somewhere that has nature and preferably also water in the same place. It will tame the beast or sufferings in me.***
…… Anyways Sadly to me that time it didn’t work. I then left and went back to where I was living. I decided to take pills instead. I wrote everyone in my life at the time a letter and then I headed to the bathroom. Nothing worng with me so far,……. Well other that the few loose screws in my head, that is.
As I was about to take the pills, I felt a raging River in my Stomach, ready to eat any and everything in it’s way. I thought to myself, how is this possible if I wasn’t feeling hungry before writing the letters…. Now I’m feeling as if I was a Snake, ready to swallow a Cow.
I couldn’t bear the pain. I left the bathroom in sort of something to eat. After eating, I then went back into the bathroom to continue what I have started but first I grabbed the Holy Bible. I asked if It was not meant for me to commit this act, to please show me a sign since I’ve been so persistent over the years.
I would still be hard-headed and not know if it’s really a sign because I overthink things. So I then said, whoever created me, you should know that I am stubborn, it takes a lot to convince me that something is really what it is to persuading me.
I then opened the Bible to a random page. I do not remember the page but I remembered what it said. I mean after knowing what it says, how can one forget. The verse said “do not do it for I shall open the gates of heaven and hell”.
At the time I didn’t realize that maybe this is also a hidden message that whatever my purpose is I am needed to be alive so if I am dead then obviously things would fall apart. I then made a promise to myself to not commit Suicide again.
I still tried after but it made me stop for long periods of time, until it’s non existent. If push to the right limits these demons can come to my future. In fact I now carry a very big permanent scar as a symbol of the bloody mess that took place a few months ago. Someone was pushing out the worst in me. I kept begging them to stop and didn’t know what else to do but to take it out on myself since I was having a hard time in controlling them. I could have bled to death. My hand is now week unable to do and move to much. The womb is healed but I’m waiting to gain strength back in the arm. Thank God it is my less dominant hand. I didn’t go to the hospital or get stitches or anything I just put sugar on the bone tied it up you want to sleep with my hands up. the person that was with me actually thought that I was going to bleed to death in my sleep but I already knew that my body was not going to fail me that’s why I did not seek medical attention. Plus I was scared to go to the hospital in the hight of the Covid-19. If that incident doesn’t scare me, no-one can or would but myself. I have to learn to save myself from others before I can save others from other’sor look for others to save me.
Though it did not stop me immediately, it did prolonged the times I didn’t try. I tried give or take, one time until I was going through something really hard. I lost myself for the 100 time and lost all sense of direction.
I used to go outside and think of ways I can kill myself. I would walk to places where nobody would find me and just try to hold my breath or strangle myself and for some reason I always end up crying and being by myself.
There were times where I would just sit outside for hours and at nights where it’s raining or cold I would just sit looking at the world as if I didn’t belong and as If I wasn’t in it. I thought if I go no-one would care and the World would keep on spinning.
As if I didn’t know what else to do Because my happy times were becoming non existent. I just wanted the pain to stop. From walking on the Railroad Tracks, to falling asleep on it, to the point that my body woke me up just before a train went by. I then watched the train as it went by and realized in the wake of the early morning, the World was so still and so beautiful.
It probably was around 3 or 4 in the morning, I was drunk and out of my mind when my Eye’s looked up and saw how beautiful the sky was. The colors, so amazing, the work of art in real life. The trees stood so tall and beautiful, as the Birds sang the beautiful Melody’s of Peace.
The energy of the world crept into my heart and made me enjoy what was around me. I then picked up some sticks, so that I can lay on, being that Rocks was what covered around the Railroad. I laid as I gazed at the beauty in front of my eyes until I fell asleep. I then woke up and walked back to where I was living.
Shortly after life got dark again and I ended up using cable wires and tied it to the ventilation on the ceiling, Hanging myself.
I stood on a wooden chair and jumped as the chair falling to the ground. Panicking with fear as I was choking, my legs somehow reached and got the Chair to stand back up. The ceiling wasn’t too high but it was a decent width. I didn’t expect my feet to reach the chair. When all four legs of the chair was on the floor, I then placed my body onto it, releasing the cord’s from around my Neck.
My last time was always supposed to be the last time, slowly turning into a few more times until one day it was just a bad dream. A typical human behavior that destroys us. This is why my last times are never ending because I truly do not know when was the last time or which time truly came before the last time but I think it may be this one….. Lol.. wait no it’s not because the last time was with my hand.
Anyways ……….. I went through every one of these situations alone. The one or two people that did know, never followed to stop me. All the moments where I really needed someone, turned out to be the moments where I had no-one. Well so I had thought. It is obvious that when the World kept spinning, some things unseen were always there to help me the best that it can or could have. Something or someone has been looking out for me.
Something saw in me what I did not see in myself. If something can protect me like that, then it means that my life is worth living.
Your life is worth living also. The world needs you! If there is no you, our Journey on earth would be prolonged. If you failed and died tomorrow, many would say well that doesn’t affect me. That does not change my life.
Well in fact they are absolutely wrong. What you have to contribute to the world can make the world a greater place. Which would then make my life a great place. Even if you add positive energy to the World, that can take a great burden from my shoulders off. How? Because you are changing the energy in your world, which is changing the overall energy of the World.
The better the energy of the World, the better and easier my life is. So you see, we struggle and feel pain from our failures and the failures of our other beings. Our life is hard because of our failures.
The less we fail the more we will Prevail-Abigail M.
If any of you leave the World before it is your time, it is a sin because you have not only stolen from yourself and from your Creators, but you have also stolen from me.
You being on Earth is to the best of my interest. The more we Succeed in good, the better my life and your life will be. The World would be a much better place because you are in it.
Its as simple as not doing bad so that the whole world can stop feeling bad. We all deserve the best, we all deserve to be happy… can’t we just try extra hard to not fail so that we can Change the lives of eachother?!
If you go, then who else would do your purpose? No one…… Only you hold the keys to your purpose. If you are not on Earth then there is no one to take your place. This means that the world would never change or at least not anytime soon that is.For the people that changes it, they would be the ones that suffers the most. Why? Because they have to fulfill a mission without a key handed to them.
The same way you cannot recreate the exact same person, is the same way you cannot create the same key or purpose for a new person. This means that the people that do change this World, will have to go on a path that comes with a lot of pain.A path far different from many.
It is to this pain where a lot of people lose their souls to evil and death. If the person who’s purpose it was, had fulfilled his purpose, it would not have caused so much pain. They had the key inside of them before they got here, so finding the path and the key would not have been so hard or painful for them, than another.
For the man that did not hold the key inside of him, he has to go in search of things that he does not know, he has to go in places that he does not want and he has to see and feel things that he rather not. This is to make him think and see a certain way so that he himself can recreate that key or even a better version of that key. This is something that is impossible to do in a single lifetime. To recreate a lost key of the past is truly a blessing for one to accomplish in a single lifetime.
It takes more than a lifetime to recreate something so special. What if you are the one that could recreate the key of the past that someone else had failed on…… then what happens to everyone else if you are no longer on earth?!That means that we failed and then failed again because you were the one that was going to fix the past mistakes.
For now we have failed because we have failed ourselves… this is why it is important to never listen to someone when they tell you another man’s failure, is not your failure because that is far from the truth.
If you succeed, I succeed, if I fail you fail. Hero is the man that can live his entire life and serve his purpose. A purpose that will turn old failures into new Successes. We all need to live out our entire lives so that we can bring New Life into this dying… World.
I figured I should open up more to all of you, to show that I am no different or better than any other. I am simply human, trying to hold on to life and hope. Fighting for things I do not understand or yet see, all in the name of Happiness. I want to be happy and never get it take away by another. I want to be happy for Eternity and I WANT YOU TO WANT TO BE HAPPY FOR ETERNITY ALSO.
Remember to be kind to yourself and to the World. Never give up, don’t matter how cruel life can be towards you. You may never know who is watching you and who is depending on you. Know that it is ok to fall, but it is never ok to stay down.
The person that is watching you might be the one that wants to be like you. It is only rite that you be the best you, so that others can see and know that they too can stand tall like you…… And the person that might be depending on you, could be the World. In fact, more importantly, the person that is depending on you, could be and is you. ………..
So if you fail, it’s not going to just be the World that you are failing but you would also be failing yourself also. That to me is the true definition of a SIN. When you have failed everything and also yourself, is when you will be fully covered in defeat. Taking away from the World and yourself isn’t the rite thing to do. We can always fix our failures or others past failures once we still have life left in us.It is never to late, until death in the body, then we have no choice but to wait on the livingto do what we didn’t.
On the morning of Saturday, March 30th,1996 in Trinidad & Tobago a baby girl was born. Her mom had her on the 3rd month of the year, the 30th day, 3 days after her birthday and she had just turned 33. 330333. For her mom, it was supposed to be a one night stand that lasted for 3 days. On the 3rd day, to her Mother's surprised, she was conceived with a Baby. Just a fun fact about this magical soul. Coincidence, maybe, maybe not. While her mother was pregnant with her while living on the streets, a Nun took Jaishema into a shelter and gaved her daughter her first name upon her birth. She is now known as Abigail M M.... Numbers 757.
Growing up I was no ordinary girl. I was fast as a bee & wild as a bear. I was always dirty since my brother and I lived in an abandon house, deep in the bushes with my mentally ill mother. We hardly had food to eat, no running water or electricity. Inside the abandoned house was only an old mattress, a pot with charcoals, newspapers, a few pieces of clothing and little food.
Such a tom boy I always ran off to enjoy nature. I was always missing from my mother's view, either to be found high up in a tree or in the dirt looking for lizard eggs. I though they were so cute and tiny. I used to think I was keeping an eye on them making sure they were safe. I was the most beautiful little girl who as an adult carry the same face. I wore a lot of dresses that was sadly covered in mud where the details and colors were no longer visible. I enjoyed climbing the tallest trees. My favorite is the fruit trees because it makes you feel like the climb was worth it. Mango trees Ummmmhhhh. Either way to me the climb was worth it because when you have reached the top you can now sit and enjoy the view. Its weird because now that I am older, I have a fear of heights. Probably because I have gotten so used to holding on to the tree branches and always being in control of whether I fall or not. I enjoyed building huts out of coconut leaves and doing everything I was told not too do. I enjoyed eating cups of milk & sugar since that was my main source of food. I hated when my mother would tell me to mix my juice with water because it was watery and didn't taste as good as it should have. We used charcoals to brush our teeth since my mother couldn't afford toothpaste. It worked like a charm, she always made sure my teeth was pearly white. To use the bathroom we had to poop on newspapers and pee outside under the house. We would use an oil lamp to see in the night for both outside and inside. My little brother do not remember as much as I do since I was older. He used to stay in the house with my mother while I walked for what seems like miles to a 4 year old for drinking water, since he was a baby at the time and could not make the walk. I remembered one day I fell into the ditch of water and I receive unexpected strength that helped pulled me to safety. The tap was really high but underneath my feet was wooden boards and under that was a hole of water. I guess the water pressure was so strong that the excess water made a deep pool so for no one to fall there was a wood dock nailed together to make a walkway to the tap. My feet slipped and I fell in! Holding on the the foundation, my feet was too short to pull myself up to reach the board. I then kept on trying and out of nowhere I was able to do it as if my feet wasn't to short anymore. Someone unseen helped me up.
My mother showed me how to be tuff on my own as far back as I can remember, she showed me how to properly balance a bucket of water on my head so that I can carry it easier.
I even saved my mothers life once by saying the word STOP. One day our neighbor killed a huge snake as long as an Anaconda and wanted to show my mother. Mean while a few minutes before I was high up in the trees when a snake fell trying to reach down and bite me. I kept on enjoying the wild as I heard my neighbor screaming go get your mom. I went inside but she send me back outside and told me to tell him that she is cooking. When my mom finally came outside the man took his cutlass/ machete and tried to chop my mom up to death. They were running around in circles and I didn't know what to do. I thought to myself if I screamed no-one would hear me, if I ran I would not make it in time or maybe he would run after me and kill me too. That was when I realized that this is a spiritual fight. In that moment I believed in my inner power that whatever I wanted from life, I can and will make happen. At that moment I wanted him to stop and he would obey my command. In that moment of life I realized that I only had myself and that the only solution to this problem is in me. What I need is in my soul. When all physical self is abandoned, when all physical self disappears, when you realize that the physical self can no longer help you, it is only ONE option left. In you! Your soul! I am the one that determines how this is going to end. I screamed STOP with all my might as hard as I can for as long as I could have. The man then stopped looked at me waving his machete and said you are lucky and went back inside. This goes to show you how crazy people really are and the reasons why we need to separate good from evil once and for all. Something so simple as a lack of attention or praise from others can drive someone to do anything to get the feeling they want. I should not have know that the world was evil under the age of 5.
Around the age of five, one day a woman visited my home from another country to find me a safer home. It was a rainy day out, I was busy playing with my Barbie's, outside when I saw this strange lady came walking up towards the steps. I stood there confused as she said the words " I am your sister" …… I started yelling as to why no-one told me I had a sister. No-one had mentioned her before but I knew I had several brothers. She came because the home I once knew with my mother was become unsafe day by day since her mental illness was getting worst. P.s I found out I have more sisters when I grew older.
Many years back my mother was the most beautiful person. I got the chance to see a picture of my mother before she got sick with mental illness. She was full of beauty for all, posing as if she was a model with an artistic talent many will gladly wish to posses. She created the most beautiful wedding cakes. Sadly not everything stays the way we would like. Growing up I was told by my sister and family members that my mother was abused badly by her mother to the point she sometimes made my mom have sex in the bar she owned so that she can keep the money to herself. When my mom tried to play with her toys her mother would beat her and flush it down the toilet. As my mom got older she tried finding ways to cope. From running away, to alcohol to drugs to stories of people working black magic on my mother`s mind because of her beauty. I may never know the truth. But what I do know is that she has lost what she really loved..... Her kids, her mind & her lifestyle. She had big dreams that were left unaccomplished. Because of her mental state, she often was afraid of the outside world hurting us so she used to have several pad locks on the door at once. Maybe 6 or so to give a picture. She was so focus on locking the doors when we left for outside to the point locking us outside the house and forgetting the keys inside was was a normal thing. She then would push me up a wall into a whole leaving her fate to a 1 year old to climb in and retrieve the keys. Now you see why at 4 I was basically climbing things as high as a coconut tree. So when I was off missing high in the trees, while she was scared of my safety she knew what I was capable at since 1 so a part of her always knew I was smart and capable of great things. As I was growing up, I would catch her dazing out looking into my eyes. She never stopped, don't matter how old I had grown.
Fast Forward my brother was taken in by his father but my father was busy with his own family and his woman at the time did not want me to be apart of their lives. He cheated on his wife with my mother creating me. Maybe because of shame he left without looking back! Well I'm not 100% sure because as a kid an older male used to give me money on my walk home from school. He handed me money almost everyday from maybe when I was 11-13. He used to stand on a corner at a pubic place where I knew he couldn't hurt me so I used to take the money being that at home I only got $1 to go to school with. The man only says hi, smiles and gives me money as I continue my walk home. So back a little, I was taken to my brother's house where he said " She is not my responsibility & neither is she yours, you should return her to where you got her from. I was also told that the rest of my family excuses was no different along with the words,
" she looks just like her mother, she will turn out to be like crazy her mother too. We do not want that responsibility."
My sister said that she went crying to her friends that no-one wants me and she does not know what to do with me. She searched everywhere but no-one would take me in. She did not want to leave the country knowing I was not safe. Jackpot, I was taken in by them, complete strangers to me at the time. I was greeted by dogs surrounding me trying to rip me to pieces. I screamed as loud as a trumpet & quickly climbed up the fence. They were told by their owner to leave me alone as I slowly came back down to the ground. When I got inside I had a bath with clean clothes waiting for me & the most delicious food I have ever eating. I was not told the words I love you growing up but by the way I was taken care of I read in-between the lines & knew that they loved me. I was taught to hunt in the wild & shoot shotguns, learned how to cook by my aunt and her mother. I was taught how to fish and anything to do with the wild and nature by my Uncle Danny. Everytime I looked bored I was told to go and read a book by him. I had many toys as a kid from dolls to guns I had it all. I had lots & lots of guns, whether I was outside shooting or cooking for my dolls anytime my uncle saw me outside he would always tell me to go & pick up a book. I never understood why since he was the one that taught me the outside things. He loved me in his own special way. My aunt would be the one to cook for the household and wash my clothes, while her mother would make sure I ate breakfast before school and got me dressed. My aunt always did my hair and helped with my homework. She treated me as her own child since she had none of her own at the time.
Shortly after I started getting comfortable I was being sexually assaulted by an older kid of the family for the six to seven years I lived there. I was not the only one though, a older girl also staying there had to have sexual intercourse with him also. I was so scared & confused bring only 6 to tell anyone because he would tell lies on me when I said no and made me get beatings. Most of my beatings growing up was for something they did and he would put the blame on me. I would tell the truth that I did not do it but it seemed as if no one believed me. Since then I started lying to protect myself. It just became a part of me over the years to protect myself as best as I could. It got worst when it was time for me to eat, he would take the good foods out of my plate and give me everything he didn't like which turned out to be the same foods I didn't like either. I was always the last one at the dinner table, sometimes I would get beatings because I was sitting at the table for hours. As a child I could not leave the dinner table unless I ate all my food. I started getting smart by hiding the foods in my underwear, doors, toy box and fed it to the dogs. I sometimes had to hide from him because he would make me kneel in a corner for hours or have me sit with my thumbs sticking straight up while my back was completely straighten for hours. He would tell me if anyone asked what was wrong with me and to why I was like that to not speak because he would tell them I did something wrong so that I can get a beating. It felt like I couldn't speak for an entire year but only in school. I did not know what was going on because I did not believe an adult can fall for so many lies and not get to the bottom of me no longer speaking words. That did not make sense to me as a child. I always wanted to tell my sister or mom but everytime they called the adults would always stand by the phone to monitor our conversations. They even monitored when my mother would visit me all the way up until she left. Over the years I found a way to escape by running away to my mind. Unaware to me that I was practicing the art of meditation. I used this method so much that I developed a side where I was entering other dimensions. I taught I was just having the same dream for months where I would always start off from where I had left off the night before. Unknown to me I started accessing a higher power and knowledge. I still used this method to stay true to my human values in life & to always help find my way back to my chosen path.
One night instead of me going to the place I visited for months, I felt something heavy crawling up the bed onto my chest. The place I was going to was a cemetery with 2 trees that were dried up and scary. They were alive and would try to attack me. That night as I closed my eyes, before I can even fall asleep, I was greeted by the Devil himself as a snake. Even though my eyes was closed I saw him clear as day about to bite me. At the time I was afraid of snakes so I prayed & held my breath while praying until I passed out. I woke up the next morning to me screaming in fear. I noticed that the wooden antique bed was cracked in half & the floor was stained blood red as if it was an old deep stain that was there for 1000 years. I rubbed and rubbed to no success of removing it. My aunt quickly ran to my screams as I told them about the snake. Everyone kept asking " Are you sure that it was not a bird that got inside?" I said no, my eyes was closed but I saw it as if my eyes was open. The snake was about to bite me before I passed out from holding my breath while praying to God for help. Strangely they never asked about the bed being cracked or the deep red stain at the foot of the bed. But weirdly my pastor came by later on that same day, blessed & prayed for me. A short while after he left, my aunt said she saw a snake outside and to run as fast as I could and bring her the cutlass/ machete before it gets away. Like I had mentioned earlier I am a fast runner so a short while after I bring her the cutlass/ machete she told me that she thinks she got it, she was not sure because it slid away quickly. I never got a chance to see it. I was then sent to do my daily chores of picking up the ripe fruits that fell on the ground from all our different types of fruit tress like, mangos, plums, guavas and passion fruit and putting it into a bucket so that my aunt and grandmother can make fresh juices and jams or cakes etc. As I was walking outside the fence picking up the fruits I saw a baby snake dead in the drain with the same colors just the opposite ways. They were both red, black and white. One is supposed to be poison and one is not.
Then also, at that time I used to steal the church offerings to buy snacks. Everyone would be nice to me because they knew my life, they thought I was innocent and being one of the kids of the church, the pastor would leave me in the room with the baskets of money. Noone found out but somehow I think he knew. On my way home from school I would see a strange making coffins by pastor, since that was my past has side job. It was a regular thing to see him making call friends on my way home. no strange man that used to work with him but also stand on a corner and give me money what my pastor knowing, or so I think.
This is why today I believe it was the devil himself. Maybe from stealing from God or me traveling to places inwardly. I would steal on a daily from someone else $20 US a day which was $120 in my country. I did it for years, I would spend all the money in a day or snacks, music players and crazy things that made me happy. I would stop t Alot of stores on my walk home from home and steal from everyone. No one suspect Because they saw me as innocent. I was smart enough to avoid all cameras. I became aware from an early age that there is something going on in this world that many are not willing to talk about or fight. When spoken of, the world then labels you to be crazy or not normally forcing you to feel left out or unworthy. I promised the world at the age of 5 that I will stop your suffering and I haven't loat hope in this. The older I got, the more I realized someone has to change the world before it is too late.
From then on whenever I have questions about life, instead of turning to man himself, I turn to this hidden knowledge inside of me where I have learned a lot over the years. This hidden knowledge is inside all of us. It is up to us to figure out how to access it and reign our world. We all have our own demons to fight but it is up to us to have the knowledge we need to come out winner's in life. It is time to put a stop to the world saying we are not normal but they are. We are infact the normal one's, and the world is crazy. Those that chooses to stay in ignorance would be left behind and those that chooses to find the light and the cause of our sufferings would be the SAVED ONES. Those that listens but do not believe, support but do not understand, give but do not agree would also be saved. Those that live in total ignorance, shutting out all words and actions would be the ones that would be left behind in the end to serve us.
You see my mother's mom grew up the same way now that she is older she is bitter and racist. Growing up my oldest brother to also be racist. One time he took me for the summer, he told me not to go outside and play when the sun is out because I was getting to black. My friends was calling me to show me that they learned how to do a black flip but my brother ended up coming home from work early and caught me outside. He got so mad that be beat me with all his might using his belt. He is a body builder so you know that was the worst beating I have ever gotten in my lifetime, for being black. My mothers family is Indian so you know they own business such as bars and wearhouses but yet I have always struggled in life because of my mother's choice to love black men. My grandmother saw her very own mother being physical and emotionally abused by her own father. I even heard stories of her dad hanging her mom because she kept on making girl children and he wanted a boy so that our legacy to be passed on to him. My grandmother even thought my older brother to be racist to the point he dont like dark skinned women, nore have I even seen him dating a black women. So instead of my grandmother fighting her demons, she let them influence her to the point that this curse was passed down to my mother and her children. My grandmother spoiled all her grandkids but my mom kids which include me since we all had black fathers. With all this bad luck my family is still doing well for themselves back home, while I'm in a foreign country left fighting for myself. My sister took me to the country she lives in inorder to have a better life but we no longer speak. I told her that I was being sexually assaulted all those years when I was almost 15 years old. I told her because she was being mean to me by blaming me for past actions and constantly trying to put her hands on me without trying to see that I am not a bad person at all. Yes the older I got the more bad I had grew. From lying to fighting to bullying kids. I do not regret the things that made me a better person. My experiences is what made me a truly unique person. In my high school in Trinidad I was on my 9 suspension in only 2 years. I used to do stupid shit, like flooding the school bathroom, to making fun of teachers, to crazy glueing someone to their chair, to putting condoms and spit in a girls hair etc. I realized that I was a leader because everyone is willing to follow me, good or bad. I took advantage of my power over other's Because growing up everyone overlooked me. When I speak and join conversations, it's as if they cannot hear my world's, leaving me to watch the world go on without me. One day rhings change and ever since, wveryo wants my attention. Strangely these people are still in my life today asking for life advises. I was not kicked out of the school system because I was and still am a very smart lady but I was kicked out of the house. I had to go home else and shortly after my first high School principal and got so tired of my behavior that she lied to one of her friends and saying that I was a good kid so that way she can transferr me to her high School. It's funny because one day the new principal looked at me and she said I do not know why my friend lied to me but you're a horrible student. Don't matter how bad I had grown to be, I always passed my classes. I came to America after this girl took my head and started banging it into a wooden desk. Long story short I blacked out, everyone said I turned into hulk. No-one could contain me because of my strength, not the security guards, or principal or the hundreds of kids that was at school that day. I was told by the doctor that my strength levels measure in the high 80's, which is the strength of a man. I got up as she started running to the ground floor out of 3 floors in total. I took an iron chair while I waited for her to run into my view to throw it at her. I threw it down but missed her by an inch. I was about to jump off the second floor of the school so that I can catch up to her. Long story short she apologize but I still got suspended for it even tho it wasn't my fault. Someone told her that I said something about her mother and her mother is dead. I told her I don't know what she talking bout which was the truth. I was pretty popular in my first highschool and In the second, still so but not as much. I used my attention to follow the wrongs paths. Next thing you know I was on an airplane heading to America after one last incident because a group of men would be riding around the house trying to kidnap me, to not talk. While everything was going on It was Carnival in my country. I basically didn't want to go back home because everyone has washed their hands on me. I stayed out on the streets parting and dancing on big music trucks while drinking. I ended up being caught by someone I knew. When I first got onto the truch no1 was behind it, a short while I had alot of people following me partying with me. I ended up being pulled off the truck by the cops like 3 days later. The sister of the lady that looked after me when I was younger was the police officer that found me. The cops was looking for me. She then told her brother to take me home and instead of thim taking me home, he brought me more liquor. I dranked more and kept parting. I was so drunk drinking liquor that is 99% alcohol. Shortly after he took me to some place and tried raping me. I fought him off, kicked his penis and then ran out of his view. He was in his mid 30's at that time. I then went and kept partying to hide the big mess of a life I had. I mean what else could I have done when everyone gaved up on me. No1 believed I could have changed or have a successful future. I did all the wrongs and those that did wrong, every1 blamed me for being the leader. As a kid the adults would say no1 told her to do that but she told everyone to do what they did. I came to America and now my old ways no longer serves me. I treat others the way I would like to be treated. I found courage by holding on to hope & faith that everything has to come to an end one day. I still carried over some of my old ways into the U.S but as I am older and wiser my old ways no longer served me, if people cannot understand my past there is no need for them to be apart of my future. I have decided a long time ago to be strong enough on my own for the ones that has it worst than me. To always be grateful for the little I do have for to someone else it is a lot. To teach myself what love is and to pass it on too my fellow creatures that does not know what it feels like to be loved. To choose love over hate. Together with our own unique stories we can stand up & change our future. To separate the good from the bad & multiply the good. We will break the curses of darkness and reclaim the light. We will follow our own paths too the road of awareness and win our world back from evil. We will survive because we made it our Destinies to. As one we will get the victory we deserve. We are almost there.... To our Destinies. The world would soon bow down at our foot, giving us the victory we deserve simple because we believed in something better. And that something better we too deserves to be apart of it simply by our will to change our outcomes.
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23 thoughts on “We Are Important. We Are Who We Are.”
I am grateful for your fails. Like you I have had times feeling the same and just wanted to end it. Something or someone always pulled me back and it looks like we both have a guardian angel watching out for us.
And you are right. You are important and you are needed here. Big love to you.
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I am so greatful that we have Guardian Angel’s to protect us. I pray that you may never feel down to the point that you may think of ending it again. May you find Joy in all that you do. It is also important for me to let you know that your love means the world to me. 🥰❤️
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Me too and thank you very much. That was a dark period in my life that has luckily passed. I hope for you as well you beautiful soul. Your light is needed in this world. Especially now. Sending love and light your way. Always. ❤️
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Heartfelt honesty which gives hope to others who struggle. I’m glad to meet you. Stay well! ❤️Cindy’
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I love the message in this! Beautifully spoken
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Thumbs up for the profound thoughts here..happy to stay connected with such a talented writer ..☺️
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Thank You Anu! ❤️🙂
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Hey, that was an insightful and beautiful post. I can relate after trying to take my life four times last year. I really like your blog and your posts and wanted to send my love to you dear fellow soul. ❤🙏
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Awwh, thank you so much my dear friend. Glad to know that life hasn’t defeated you but instead you have defeated life. Keep up the good work of saying here in this world. Sending love and peace back at you. 💙🙏
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Thank you! I have noticed you like a few of my posts and we started following eachother recently. How long have you been on wordpress? ❤🙏
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Yes, since April of 2019.
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What made you want to start a blog and what do you like about blogging?
So that I can express myself on a wider level, at a faster place. Normally I have to pace myself with other’s, slowing down my growth and potential. Blogging is a level where I can also easily reach out to anyone and almost everyone being that a large number of our population uses the internet. I can find more people that can support my interest along my journey which is then my motivation to keep pushing. It took me long to find you Bec I have been following blogs through site’s and not post. It’s ok tho, I guess I needed more work to be done so it works out perfect for me. The silly mistakes we make when starting Something we have no clue about. I guess the universe wanted me to establish my site fully before I got serious about finding people to mingle with. 😭🤣😩🤣
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Haha, I love your response, that is great! Have you made any connections through WordPress? ❤
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That is great. What do you think to the current state of the world?
That we need to go back to the way we were meant to live. A way were we don’t have to wake up everyday chasing happiness because we are already happy.
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Going back to our roots, our true nature.. herbs, plants, love, god, spirit.. Living in our truth.
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I pray we all come together as one and live in harmony with all beings and love ourselves.